A guest blogpost by the ever wonderful, brilliantly delightful Miss Lucy
As a single veteran I feel I am more than qualified to write on the subject of being single. Normally I would not give this more than say five minutes over coffee with a girlfriend, but events at my aunty’s 60th birthday yesterday drove me to such despair that I feel I have hi-jack Leah’s blog and get my feelings heard, if not just for my own peace of mind, for the greater good of all those single gal’s out there.
Family get togethers in my family, as I assume with most large family gatherings, are at best, a few hours spent over-eating, drinking, looking at the latest photos of aunty June’s grandkids; or at worst, shrinking away in disgust as aunty Margaret changes her colostomy bag, whilst your mum argues loudly with her sisters about who gets to host Christmas and why. Yesterdays 60th however, was an exception. After the annoying hour and a half drive out past Geelong, I spent the best part of three hours sitting around chatting to my gran and watching the younger generation pick up chips with there dirt stained fingers, lick them, then put them back in the bowl for another unsuspecting relative to pick up and eat. After the usual lull, the conversation inevitably turned to the subject of boyfriends, or in my case, lack thereof. My brother had dragged his girlfriend to the party and consequently spent the entire time sitting on the couch with an assortment of foods and drinks, not socialising with anyone. I made the effort to say hi and inquire about the health and well being of my relatives, only to be verbally abused and driven into a corner, simply for the fact that I wasn’t sitting on the couch, isolating myself from everyone with my boyfriend.
My gran was first. “So, are you seeing any boys at the moment?” After my negative response, the follow up was, “Why not? Are you not interested? How come your sister can get a boyfriend but you can’t?” How to respond to this baragement of questions? I felt like saying, ‘Why gran, didn’t you notice? I’ve got a second head growing from my shoulder, and a third eye, as well as a harelip.’ Instead however, I answered meekly, “I don’t know gran, yes I am interested, no I don’t know why my sister can and I can’t.” I slink away as fast as I can, only to run into another group of relatives who grasp at me and continue the boyfriend interrogation. “So Lucy, have you got a man on the scene?”, “next time we see you, we expect to see a handsome young man on your arm, hey?”, “So your brother and your sister both have girlfriends/boyfriends now, I see.”
Why I ask you, am I made to feel like I am somehow inferior, and socially retarded because I’m single. My cousin who is the same age as me, and also single, but male, does not receive any of this attention. In fact, my uncles and aunties laugh and joke about him being single, “that’s right, lad, don’t tie yourself down this young”, “have fun being young, that’s what I say mate”, “plenty of time for serious relationship later on, enjoy the single life my son”, they all say, patting him on the back, congratulating him for playing the field, for not getting attached, in other words, for staying single.
I don’t know why most of the single people I know are single. We’re all bright, attractive, intelligent and independent women, with no major physical or psychological flaws, yet single we are. The thing that really drives me crazy about my family, however, is that none of them even seem to consider the idea that maybe, just maybe, I’m doing ok without a boyfriend. I mean, it’s not like I’m about to graduate from a university degree, I have a job and support myself fully financially, have travelled successfully half way across the world by myself…Oh wait, it is like that! I am not saying a boyfriend wouldn’t be great, hell, at the moment I’m sick of the single life and would love to have someone to hangout with, to catch the train home with and to take to these heinous family gatherings, but lets just get one thing straight, in the wise words of the Pussy Cat Dolls, I don’t NEED a man. I have a great life, I have a wonderful bunch of girlfriends who are always around whenever I need them and we have loads of fun together. I don’t need to sit at home waiting for my knight in shining armour to come and carry me off into the sunset, I can drive myself.
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12 comments:
i know just what you mean. having reached the advanced age of 22 without engagement i too regularly get asked the "do you have a boyfriend? why not?". and each time they ask i mentally answer "because i'm repulsive and un-loveable, thanks for bringing it up"...
i've taken to (verbally) answering with a description of my intention to be a spinster with a large cat collection, glasses on one of those chains around my neck and to spy on my neighbours with little opera glasses through a crack in my lace curtains.
i used to say i was going to join a convent, but that brought way too many scoffers, apparently my ability to live a holy, self-denying lifestyle is doubted by many!
anyway, my point is, i feel your pain! my (unsolicited) advice is to come up with a jokey line and recycle it without mercy. either that or lecture them about the fact that a woman is not defined nor made worthy by relationships with men, and make sure to continue along those lines for a good ten minutes.
:)
Great post Lucy, I'm so glad you highjacked Leah's blog to get this out there! It has been a concern of mine for some time and Bree and I were just having a very similar conversation the other night. I totally know what you mean and the family gatherings are by far the worst for this type of thing (so an optimist might say that you can breathe easy for a while now that you have survived this one).
And while I might have experienced a recent fall from the ranks lately, I still feel that I am more than over-qualified to add my two cents worth on this topic, given my 21 yrs worth of "spinster" credentials. Indeed, I've been asked more than once by ever the 'concerned' relative at such functions if I was a lesbian ...really they're either just nosy or can't be bothered trying to understand any of your other interests that you might be trying to tell them about---like your thesis, recently acquired scholarships (multiple!) or some other "lesser" pursuit like that.
And it doesn't matter whether you go with the ernest response: 'no, I've just got other priorities at the moment' or the more light and flippant: 'oh no *pfft*, I'm so busy I don't have enough time for a boyfriend' the reception your response receives is always the same---pity. I completely agree that the only way to deal with this kind of barrage and maintain some sense of your own self-worth is to make a joke of it (for example by mentioning the 'keep off the grass' sign, rocking chair and shotgun you have recently purchased---oh how I have used this retort many a time).
But the worst, BY FAR THE WORST is the collective sigh of relief that you can see them breathe if you do eventually start seeing someone (regardless of whether that someone is an axe murderer, cyclops or regular person). 'Oh good, she's finally tied down' you can imagine them saying to themselves. In fact, it's only marginally less demeaning than the original inquiries when you are single.
And you're spot on, it's ABSOLUTELY worse for girls than guys. It's the classic dusty spinster vs. happenin' bachelor contrast.
Ultimately, I don't know why most people are incapable of appreciating how you can be fulfilled, accomplished, happy AND single. In fact, while it sounds so painfully cliched I think that the only way you can ever truly get to know yourself is by being on your own for a while and I feel sorry for people who either miss this opportunity completely or don't get it until very late in life.
I guess the only thing that can be done is to be vocal about this, whether in blog form (kudos to you), in conversation with the relatives at these kinds of parties or even in a mindless spontaneous rant directed at the woman in the waxing salon who bluntly asks whether there is someone for whom you are getting you legs waxed...
...ME god damnit woman, now shut up and wax!
M
xoxo
P.S. Yes, I can see the bitterness is strong in this one...
Didn't I watch this episode of Sex And The City?
Meh...
I think it's ultimately stupid that we have all been brainwashed into this social scene of 'must be with partner'. My theory on these things is to be happy on your own, and take ultimate pleasure from those around you, whether they be friends or more than.
I remember a while back in my newly single stage, a friend's mother asking me how my girlfriend was. After breaking the 'bad news' [and tell me this isn't goddam annoying in itself, having to constantly field those questions and comments] she said the typical thing of 'ah well, you'll get there' type comment.
Frustratingly annoying, but what gave me a bit of a chuckle, and also a scare was my friend's elderly neighbour who was listening to the conversation and said 'don't worry, there's plenty more fish in the sea, and you look like you enjoy fishing.'
I don't know whether I should have been flattered, or worried that she was hitting on me, but ultimately it does seem that yes, guys have the single thing down better than the girls in some ways. Being hit on by kooky old ladies is maybe a way of evening out this imbalance.
Thanks Lucy, that put a huge smile on my face:)
xox,
sumera
your canadian friend
Its worse for girls because there is still the stigma (whether right or wrong) that a females worth is attributed to the man shes with. I'm sure if you *did* reply that you had a boyfriend, you'd then face the barrage of questions like 'ooh so what does he do? where does he live? does he have a car?' etc, all designed at establishing his worth and therefore yours.
Its the whole reason behind that 'good on ya son, work the field' and 'oh dear, she must be quite a dud' double-standards you speak of.
A comment like this is sure to put a fox amongst the hens *evil laugh* I'm not advocating this line of thought at all, in fact my point is you should do more to discourage it . Meekly answering 'yes gran no gran' and blogging about it really doesnt help the situation.
Why not put your elders on the spot and question their beliefs? Say that you're a strong young woman who is quite at peace with herself (and her rabbit) etc etc and that as a grown woman they should help break down stereotypes such as women coming second etc.
Afterwards you can excuse yourself, head held high, while your grandma scolds your mother for letting you grow up an angry lesbian.
I guess you're damned either way :p
You could always tell them that you just had an unsuccessful relationship with a lesbian circus performer who was already married but had an abusive partner and ended up running away with a circus monkey instead. And that now you were just enjoying being single, 'just me and my vibrator, gran!' At least that way they would be too timid to ask you ever again.
:)
Haha,
I like Seb's solution best.
I remember when i first got put in this situation - i was 14. I was so taken aback when my nana asked about boys that i didn't know what to say so on the way home i asked mama what she thought. She told me next time nana asked tell her yes. And that my boyfriend goes to a state school, is black and has a criminal record. Then she burst out laughing, but she was serious. And so i did. Nana never asked me again, but my mum sure got an earful from her about letting me see boys when i was clearly too young to be discerning.
Poor nana, she was so shocked. I turned out to be my mother's daughter.
Kisses, L
'I turned out to be my mother's daughter.'
I think I just found out WAY too much about your mother Leah...
...though your 'undiscerning' taste in men would certainly explain that nasty black porn fetish of yours. ;P
I'm with the rest of them. Sitck it to the gran (and the rest), by telling them that you haven't found anyone that lives up to your standards, yet, and you're not about to settle for some dud. And then remind them that there are better ways to find out if you're happy and fulfilled.
Damn the gran!
I agree with stick it to the gran! But I would also say, "thats such an insensitive comment" and letting her know how rude she is.
Or "you probably don't realise Gran but when you say things like that you make me feel terrible about myself" cos she probably doesn't know that she is hurtful.
And finally, I know you are fully aware of this but it's so lame that the Pussy Cat Dolls sing "I don't need a man" when clearly they live for the male gaze and without men they would have no one to objectify themselves for.
that is all.
I would have thought they were singing "I don't need a man" because men would be clamoring for their loving, and since these things are in abundant supply, they aren't really needed, but just there.
But if you want something worse than the Pussycat Dolls and the male gaze they elicit [or at least in my opinion worse] check out that gaddam annoying Shakira and Beyonce song's videoclip. I'd feel so ashamed of myself if I was them...
Hey Luc, my family is EXACTLY the same-only they started in on me early.
At age 14 I was asked:
"Have you got a boyfriend yet Possum?"
At age 16:
"So Poss, what's the goss with guys? Anyone you've got your eye on?"
At age 18, whenever I mentioned a bloke's name:
"Is that your boyfriend?"
"Is that your boyfriend?"
"Is that your boyfriend?"
In my oppinion, it doesn't matter if you have a boyfriend or not, your family's always going to annoy the shit out of you by poking their collective nose into your business and thinking there's something wrong with you when you don't want to share the intimate details of EVERYTHING YOU DO with them...
Yes. I have a lot of resentment.
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